In General Conference (Nov. 2010), Elder Larry R. Lawrence gave a talk on Courageous Parenting. I was so grateful for this talk, I practically underlined the whole thing.
My husband and I admit we were blessed with good kids, but you know, even good kids can wander off into paths unknown. Where this isn’t the surefire way to protect your kids, I feel my staying home and being there a lot of the time was helpful in guarding and shaping them. Also, my husband had a special gift that was like a radar. He could always tell when something was wrong with any one of the kids. He could literally feel when they were going down the wrong path. But this is what made the difference: he would confront the kids about it, and call them back. He exhibited courageous parenting.
Elder Lawrence states: “In these last days, what the world really needs is courageous parenting from mothers and fathers who are not afraid to speak up and take a stand.” This is key. It’s not easy to get in the face of your children, and it’s even harder to get them to tell you the truth sometimes. But your children need to know where you stand on all issues, and you must never back down.
He related the story of Alma the Younger speaking to Corianton. I have often cringed as I read his strong words to his beloved son: “Now this is what I have against thee.” (Alma 39:2) This direct phrase cuts to the very core. Without insults or belittling, truth will cut to the heart, and the Spirit will be able to call your child back.
In our media, it is common to see minors dealing with stupid parents. Do not fall for this blatant lie of Satan’s, and make sure your children understand the lie. Parents don’t need to worry about offending their children, and children shouldn’t even worry about offending their parents. Both of you SHOULD worry about offending the Spirit. When you have a spiritual relationship with your family members, you will rise above the mists and enjoy true love and respect for one another.
Building mutual, spiritual respect for one another pushes away the insecurities of the world. All of us are fighting against evil and imperfection. If we give one another the benefit of the doubt, and lift one another, the world will have less control over us. Parents and children can actually have a loving relationship; one that is not embarrassing.
Husbands and wives can sometimes be their own worst enemies. If one is the disciplinarian and the other is the comforter, that can sometimes turn around and bite you hard on the behind. To keep your kids on their toes, both parents need to be willing to switch up on a dime. Both parents need to be willing to play hardball. Both parents need to be loving, kind, and calm. In no way should you interpret this as being a bully, or a jellyfish. As a couple, you are to raise your children unto the Lord. NOW. Not when you’re less tired, full of solutions and ideas, or good and mad.
My husband has said repeatedly that you start teaching a child when they are babies. Fill their DNA with Family Prayer, Scripture Reading, Home Evening, dinner time, one-on-one interviews, and a whole lot of love. If you leave a void in their lives, the world will fill it; and you don’t want that.
“[Satan] will do whatever he can to keep young men from serving missions and to prevent temple marriages. It is vital that parents have the courage to speak up and intervene before Satan succeeds. President Boyd K. Packer has taught that ‘when morality is involved we have both the right and the obligation to raise a warning voice’.”
We could hardly believe our ears when Elder Lawrence started talking about sleepovers. We nixed sleepovers when our children were young, and boy did we get a lot of flack about it (and not just from our children). But we held on to our little rule, and thank you Elder Lawrence for your corroboration. after all this time. We survived those comments, and our children now thank us for holding on to our convictions. They now have the same rule in their families.
Please don’t think we had the perfect household; I’m not willing to share all of our dirty laundry. But you owe it to yourself to overcome the world in your very own homes. Where the world would have you be too busy to feel the Spirit, be courageous enough to let the Spirit flow from wall to wall, from ear to ear, from heart to heart. Raise righteous warriors to fulfill all that the Lord commands, because only then will you feel peace, security, and love.
“The Lord is counting on valiant parents to bring [this generation] up.”
I think that there has been some misunderstanding about what Elder Lawrence said about sleepovers – he said (and I would quote but LDS.org is down, so I am paraphrasing) – he saw that many of a youth’s first time transgressions of the word of wisdom, law of hastily, or pornography happened at a sleep over. He also mentioned our Children’s resistance being weakened when they are away from our presence, and then cautioned parents to follow the Spirit when it comes to such things. I spent the night countless times as a preteen and teen. These sleepovers were either at our house, the house of a YW leader or Sunday School teacher (who would participate in the ‘festivities’ of movie watching and ice cream eating) or at the home of a friend whose parents MY PARENTS KNEW AND TRUSTED. Much like going to Girls camp or on a scout camp. Nothing even remotely bad ever happened at a sleepover I attended – because my parents taught me to be careful in my choices of friends and to be a leader and an example. In fact, most of those sleepovers helped my spiritual and emotional growth, and actually STRENGTHENED my testimony and friendships with girls who were GREAT influences for good in my life. To this day (8 years later) I am very close friends with those girls, and I know our relationships would not have been as strong without those sleepovers. Elder Lawerence’s counsel was not AGAINST sleepovers – his counsel was a warning about late nights and lack of supervision and avoiding hard topics with your children. In the same breath he uses to talk about sleepovers, he says he’s not sayin being a courageous parent is about always saying no. One of the families we were closest to growing up had a “no sleepovers except at the Werners” rule. Their parents said no to any sleepover except ones at our house – because they knew that my parents were also courageous parents and were ‘hanging out’ WITH us – not letting us sneak off to dark rooms. My parents supervised every sleepover and did not sleep until we were all asleep, and then woke up with us to make us breakfast. Our sleepover guests were invited to join us for family prayer when they were in our home (and I can’t remember anyone ever declining). They even got to be a part of the ‘family hug’ we always have at the conclusion of a prayer.
Dates are just as dangerous (if not MORE than) sleepovers – think about it, not parents go on the date. At least at a sleepover you can keep an eye on the kiddos. And of course the prophets speak warnings about dating – but they say the same thing – speak up, don’t be afraid to say no.
My oldest is 3, so I haven’t had to deal with the sleepover issue much, but I am positive that there will be sleepovers to which I say “absolutely not” and there will be other sleepovers that I will hope he goes to.
And I have nothing against parents who will never let their kids sleepover anywhere – it’s not my business, and you know your child better than I know them. But I just want to make sure we are clear – Elder Lawerence did NOT say sleepovers are bad or that we should forbid our children to have sleepovers. He DID say that we should listen to the spirit and be AWARE of some of the dangers involved. Like I said, they say the same thing about dating. Be cautious, use good judgement, and let your child know when you feel uneasy about something. Corageous parenting does not mean always saying no. It means listening to the spirit and using good judgement and speaking up to your children.
Wow! I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page. A parent always has the right to set what rules they deem appropriate for their children, assuming it’s based on love and righteousness.
I enjoy your blog. I just found you the other day when I was researching Nauvoo — we’re going this summer! I love your interest in history, so fun to see what you have here!
The point I get from this talk of Elder Lawrence is that parents MUST teach their children the gospel, they MUST teach their children what to do to recieve the Holy Spirit and how to always be worthy to have it in their lives. That’s what my parents taught me growing up. I am grateful for the rules my parents set, because I am the woman I am today because of it. There were about 6 or 7 young women that I grew up with, I am the only active member with a testimony out of this group. And it is because my parents set rules for me and my siblings- no sleepovers, no dating until 16 yrs old,etc. And this worked for us.
We all have agency. All parents have their own way of raising their children. We all have different travel plans,but it’s the destination that counts. It’s the spirit and teaching our children how to use the spirit in their lives is what really matters.