Funerals don’t happen very often, but when they do, it is important they are handled in the most sensitive, smoothest way possible.
This is a list created by Michelle Linford, of Mormon Women. She and her committee have used this, learning through trial and error, finally hitting on a helpful set of guidelines.
I will add a note that in Utah, it is absolutely essential that the Relief Society serves “the typical Mormon meal”: Ham and Funeral Potatoes. The very few times I have seen a different menu, the family (each time) has sweetly mentioned their disappointment in not having any funeral potatoes. It makes me curious what funerals from other parts of the world serve. I offer my recipe at the end of this post.
- Be sure to check the handbook for some of the basic instructions.
- Contact the family. Typically, the RS President just needs to hug, hold hands, and listen. Especially listen for special needs from this family. Information you will need to get from the family is:
- Headcount for the luncheon
- Date and time of viewing and funeral
- Audio-visual needs for slideshow, etc.
- How they want the viewing set up: tables, pictures, displays, guest book, etc.
- Any special requests: people to involve, meal, special help, etc.
- Make sure the Bishop knows.
- Contact the building coordinator immediately.
- Reserve date and time for viewing, funeral, and luncheon. If there is a conflict (a stake baptism, for example) see that you coordinate usage of the kitchen, RS Room, and cultural hall, with the appropriate people.
- Make sure the RS room is available for the viewing. If not, designate another room.
- Plan where display tables will be set up
- Coordinate help in setting up tables and chairs
- The typical meal is ham, funeral potatoes, fruit/jello and green salads, rolls, and dessert. Sometimes the family likes to pay for the ham. Otherwise, the ward budget could take care of this expense. Everything else should be provided by the Relief Society.
- Contact home and visiting teachers. Ask them to help with food or other assignment.
- Check the paper goods supply in the RS closet.
- Assign food—Note: The following estimates are based on 50 guests:
- 1-2 hams (red-foil Costco hams—serve sliced on a tray)
- 3-4 (9×13) pans funeral potatoes
- 2 (9×13) pans jello salads or 3 large bowls fruit salad (Jello salads are not as popular as they used to be)
- 3 green salads plus a few bottles of salad dressing
- 6 dozen rolls
- 3-4 (9×13) pans cake/dessert
- 2 bags crushed ice
- 1 lb. butter (half a cube on each table)
- Make salt and pepper available from the kitchen
- Assign work shifts
- Men needed to help set up and take down tables and chairs
- Each round table can sit 8 people. Plan on 8 tables for 50 people
- 2 long tables for food line. Consider setting food on tables so people can pass on both long sides, or start at both ends and meet in the middle
- A separate table for desserts
- Any other tables needed for displays, guest books, etc.
- One person needs to be there at the beginning of each gathering of viewings and funeral to greet the family.
- Three to four people should be in the kitchen to receive the food and begin setting everything up (about 30 minutes before start of the luncheon—have ovens turned to “warm”).
- Tablecloths and centerpieces
- Water pitchers filled
- Butter, salt, and pepper
- Direction of food service
- Garbage cans placed in cultural hall for easy cleanup
- Assign someone to get the flowers transferred from chapel to cultural hall
- Have three people serving (keep food stocked on serving table, fill water pitchers, garbage, etc.)
- At least six people are needed for cleanup.
Special notes:
*A nice touch is to have someone handing out rolls to children as they come into the room after the viewing, before the meal. It’s a long day for them!
*Don’t let the family do any work, even if they offer. This day is for them and they should have everything done to truly serve them.
*Funerals are always going to be difficult. What makes this list so helpful is experience has shown that this list works. It is so easy to forget something when you want things to go well. We want our service to be generous, well done, and truly helpful. Details are important!
FUNERAL POTATOES
24 oz. frozen hash browns
2 cans cream of chicken or mushroom soup
2 cups sour cream
1 cup grated cheese
1 Tb. dried onions
Mix together.
Top with:
2 cups crushed cornflakes (toppings can be crackers, nuts, other cereals, potato chips, breadcrumbs)
2 Tbs. melted butter
Add diced ham for a main course, if desired
Bake 30-40 min. at 350 degrees.
The Painting is called Funeral’s Procession by Ellis Wilson. I fell in love with this painting as it hung over the mantle in The Cosby Show Living Room.
Very nice check list. I was involved with 2 funerals this last week. I think a check list would have been really useful. Also I thought it was a nice idea to hand out rolls to children. I have never seen that done, or even thought of it.
Such a huge help!!! This is my first funeral as RS President and it was so nice not to “reinvent the wheel” so to speak. Thank you!
I have just been called a the compassionate service leader. This list is so helpful! Thank you so much!
Handbook 2 says a “modest meal” is to be served. It for sure does not mention anything about it being ESSENTIAL to serve funeral potatoes and ham if you live in Utah. That is not a requirement whether you live in Utah or not. That is personal opinion and any modest meal a ward decides to serve should be very appreciated since it is a ton of work taking care of a funeral luncheon.
You are right, that a meal is not essential, required, or otherwise. In fact, I don’t see anything about a meal in Handbook 2. What it does say is to take the time to serve the family in a way that truly serves them. Traditions play heavily in stressful situations. This post (which was given to me by someone else, and I completely agree with) describes an effective way to meet that tradition–at least in Utah. The most important point the Handbook states is to be there to comfort the family and consult their wishes. It has nothing to do with how much work is demanded of the Relief Society.
Thank you for this guide. Do you know of something similar to plan the service such as eulogy, musical piece, prayers, etc.?
Look at the handbook on guidelines for the funeral. These arrangements are usually handled by the bishop and the family of the deceased.
Thank you Jan. We were asked to provide a luncheon for a funeral this week and as a brand new ward had nothing to go off of, including table cloths. This was so helpful. Thank you!
Thank you. This was very helpful!
I love this list as a guide. Funerals are sudden, each family is different on needs and wants, each ward is different according to size and financial situations. But this truly is a great guide.
I wish someone had sent this list to the local ward where my mom’s funeral was held. This very affluent ward told us, the grieving family, that we were responsible for providing the main course, that the Relief Society would only provide sides and rolls. Amidst all the funeral planning and grief, this was awful.
I am wondering about when a large extended family attends. We are a small ward and just had a funeral with 110 attending, 45 were family / exteneded family of the deceased. We provided the meal listed above and decorated the cultural hall. It is my understanding it was over budget for our small ward. Also, there was not enough people to help as many in our ward are older. The burden of preparing and cleaning up are left to a modest size group. Wouldn’t it be okay to say, “after the closing prayer, if you are able would you please carry a chair or two to the corner to be put away.”?
I found out two days before my husbands funeral that the ward only provides 5 women for kitchen help. My family and I were to do the luncheon on our own. I was so stressed and after I questioned why I wasn’t told before hand. The Bishop told me I should have looked it up in the Church handbook. My husband died seven weeks after his diagnoses. I did hurry and ordered buns and pulled pork and squares from the bakery, went to the store and bought pickles and all that was needed. At that time that was the last thing on my mind. I took care of him at home for those weeks. The wards all around our Town still do the luncheon. I knew I would pay.
I’m so sorry this was your experience. The handbook really doesn’t address a funeral luncheon at all. Typically, this is a service offered by the Relief Society in order to relieve the family of this burden. The luncheon is strictly an act of service and should be offered generously, as much as the ward is able. The ward members are there to offer whatever help and support is needed. And I have never heard of a family having to pay for any part of the funeral luncheon before.
My parents ward have the family pay for the meat. The RS orders it, picks it up and cooks it but they do ask the family to reimburse the ward for the cost of the meat. It kind of sets boundaries on if you’re inviting a lot of extended family members unless you want to be responsible for the cost of more meat. Funerals are a BIG endeavor for ward members and there are people that take advantage of the free food and help, and they invite more people than they are even close to. Sometimes it’s very distant relatives. I thought having the family pay for the meat was a brilliant idea. And I looked at it as part of my parents funeral expenses.
It is appropriate if the family chooses to help clean up after the funeral. My family was happy to help clean up after my father died. We did not feel it was a burden. It will depend on the family. If they offer, allow them to help. It helps families feel involved. Many raised in the church are used to helping clean up. I would never expect them to help clean but it is okay if they offer to help. It’s service at a sad time and it often helps alleviate some of the sadness.