No, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to myself.

Actually, I used to talk to myself this way. All the time.

Recently I was awakened to the fact that almost constantly, at least any time I forgot something, dropped something, made a mistake or said something stupid (as I said, almost constantly) I silently berated myself with cruel put downs and unkind words.

The awareness of this came about as I was studying my life. I have four kids and a husband involved in local politics. We have a busy life and I felt I was drowning in it. How can I do better? Why do I end each day with a list of “to do’s” not done? Well, failure led to more internal lashings. And the cycle of negative internal dialogue fed itself until it slowly became a burning beast that overtook my life.

“Clean thoughts, high ideals, thinking of love in the true sense, temperance, helpfulness, cheerfulness, all are principles that will contribute to development of character.” David O. McKay

After several days of seriously pondering how I could find a greater feeling of success and accomplishment in my hectic life, I was picking up and tossing books into the overflowing book box in our family room.  I couldn’t get a shot in to save my life and had to go over and pick them all back up again. Then I caught it. That inner voice, which with such an unjustified prompt, said, “Ugh! You’re so stupid! Why can’t you just get it right the first time?” I paused. I looked at the situation. Truth came crashing over me and I knelt to the floor, stunned. I said such things to myself all the time! Every day!

Since that day I’ve tried to be more conscious of my inner voice. Is it negative? Is it cruel? Is it unforgiving of the simplest of mistakes? Being more conscious has helped me stop that negativity in its tracks, and several times I’ve had to back-track in my head after another unkind thought escaped. “No, you’re not stupid. You just made a mistake. It’s okay.”

“Thoughts are the tools with which we shape our character, just as truly as a great sculptor with chisel and mallet chips on the rough marble until it’s shaped into a splendid and perfect work of art. Just so every thought is shaping our character and, consequently, shaping our destiny and our lives. Therefore the result is, in all our thoughts, the creation of a character” George Q. Morris

Policing my inner voice has made a difference. Yes, I make a lot of mistakes (I think I mentioned that earlier). The constancy of my mistakes can be extremely frustrating, especially when I find myself accidentally disappointing others or forgetting something truly important. My mistakes didn’t suddenly become okay because I stopped yelling at myself about them, but I became okay with making mistakes. I relaxed and became more okay with myself, faults and all.

The real magic, however, came with how treating myself effected those around me. Before changing my negative thoughts at the end of the day I was always grumpy. I think I would actually grunt in response to anything said to me. Dinner and clean up was torture and I couldn’t wait to put everyone to bed. Including myself. I guess who wouldn’t be grumpy after enduring a day of yelling at one’s self? My grumpiness certainly took a toll on my family and before the days end I felt I had nothing left to give.

After changing the way I thought of, and spoke to myself, I saw the effects of this change one evening when I picked my husband up from the train station. I was smiling. I warned him, with a smile instead of a defensive grunt, that the house would not be clean when we got home. Dinner wasn’t ready either, but I had taken my kids to the park that morning and we had made paper crowns after lunch. He didn’t seem to mind, I think he was just glad to see me happy. Normally I would be feeling grumpy at myself for not getting everything done and taken the grump out on him. After we drove home I spent the next thirty minutes taking care of the house and dinner, while my husband went and took care of a few other things. The kids played and no one seemed to notice that dinner was a little late to the table. When we sat to eat, I was happy and pleasant. I had more to give to my family, and they noticed the difference.

I’ve learned that happiness breeds productivity. I have gotten more accomplished and have more energy at the end of the day. I’m more patient with my kids and have more of my time to give to my husband. I hadn’t realized how much energy I had wasted by screaming negative things at myself all day long!

The change in my life has astounded me. I have no doubt that it is an answer to prayer, but one that came through a long process of self discovery.

Let’s all be a little kinder to ourselves. Remember what Sister Marjorie Hinckley said?

“The only way to get through life is to laugh your way through it. You either have to laugh or cry. I prefer to laugh. Crying gives me a headache.”